The time be nigh, let the “Aporkalypse” begin.

The United Kingdom’s National Pig Association announced the possibility of a bacon shortage in 2013 as the herd size in Europe dwindles. But what’s worse is the problem could become global.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I question the viability of an America where bacon is not readily available for mastication.

All the talk of the Mayan calendar and the world ending in 2012 may have a little truth to it if the price of bacon reaches the predicted $5 a pound. And you thought we complained about gas prices.

But not to fear, as always I have figured out a plan to solve the crisis.  I just hope people listen before it’s too late to do anything.

I hate to sound like the heartless libertarian in saying this, but some of you will have to do without. Just judge yourself by the “Swanson Pyramid of Greatness” to determine if you will be in the select group that wins.

Okay so my plan is to start a pig farm. Right now pig prices are low and farmers are selling at a loss in some parts of the country, so the investment shouldn’t be much.

After that, I’m going to raise the pigs, produce piglets and do my best to refrain from naming them.

Come the right time they will be slaughtered and eaten, either with eggs or in sandwich form.

Now you’re probably wondering where you fit into my plan to solve the crisis. You don’t.

I will not go without, and if you wish to not go without you should do the same.

I’ve avoided most “doomsday preppers” in the past, calling them hippies and gypsies who live their fantasy through their imagination of the end days, when they’d be free to roam about the land with nary a care.

However, given the severity of the current situation I feel inadequately ready for the chance that my Bacon Sundae Sunday will just become Sundae Sunday.  Maybe it’s not too late to listen.

But like I said, the problem is global.

The Canadians, of course, consider themselves connoisseurs of bacon. They even had the audacity to name regular ham “Canadian Bacon,” which I guess is something for a country that’s done a whole lot of nothing.

Anyway, they should be fine.

European countries, not being man enough for the quantity of bacon we consume, shouldn’t be too harshly affected by the coming drought of bacon.

So this is it folks. It’s our fight to make. Sure you could eat turkey bacon or tofu bacon or veggie bacon, but you can also register with the Communist Party.

I say it’s time we brace for the impact. It shan’t be long before your neighbor, being malnourished by the hippie—beg my pardon—“alternative” bacon choices will be knocking on your door for your bag of pig fat.

You’ll need protection, not just from the roving hordes of pork-deprived zombies, but also for your own pork. I recommend looking to food preservation techniques of the past and your local pawn shop.

Heed my warning America. Stock up on your pig stock.   I’ve even outfitted my bug out bag to fit to the back of my pigs. Ron Swanson would be proud.