There is an epidemic of biblical proportion sweeping the nation. From young to old, male to female, the hipster virus has infected America at all levels.
This infection seems to be strongest in urban centers, college campuses and other areas with high concentrations of young adults.
This virus is highly contagious and is often contracted through deep V-necks, Apple products, vinyl records, black-rimmed glasses and fixed-gear bicycles.
It almost never affects an individual for the rest of his or her life and typically takes between six months to a year to run its course. However, it may take some much longer to get over it.
Early warning signs for the hipster virus include listening to music that “you’ve probably never heard of” and condescending thoughts towards non-trendy peers.
Full-fledged hipsterism brings coffee addictions and a sense of being better than everyone because you’re not a part of their system.
As a recovering victim of the rampant virus, I have taken it upon myself to inform the public how to avoid contracting the disease and other preventive measures.
One of the easiest ways to avoid contracting the virus is through proper diet and nutrition. Many victims are unintentionally infected by consuming foods such as granola, organic hummus from Whole Foods, free-range egg whites and sushi.
There is even a risk of contracting the virus through vegetables grown in backyard gardens. The best way to counter these health risks are by eating red meats such as steak, non-turkey hamburgers or ribs.
Along with food, the hipster virus has a way of finding itself in our drinks. Starbucks is fine in moderation. But individuals who consume excessive amounts of the coffee often contract the disease.
Another way that the disease seems to be infecting today’s young adults is through clothing.
For men, the best way to avoid infection is to stay away from skinny jeans, tight-fitting deep V-necks and fedoras.
For females, tight leggings, oversized band t-shirts and baggy beanies are the most infected items. Black rimmed glasses also carry the virus. Avoid them at all costs
The hipster virus also seems to be the first of its kind that is transmitted not only through physical contact, but also through audio. The virus is most rampant in the obscure indie music that those with the hipster infection listen to.
Audio transmission can be tricky because the more mainstream an artist gets the less likely it is to carry the disease. For example, Mumford and Sons was a cesspool for hipster infections a few years ago. But in the recent months, the levels of popularity for the band has gone up and the levels of hipster have gone down.
Your best bet to avoid audible infection is to stay away from obscure artists and websites such as Noisetrade.
Overall, the most important thing to do when trying to avoid the hipster infection is being proactive. Avoid the food, clothing, music and other trends that hipsters flock to.
Do everything in your power to avoid contracting the disease, because the last thing the world needs is another hipster.
