The fabulous days of bright colored floats and purple, green and gold beads are here. It’s time to let loose and have fun.
Many of you are making a trip down to New Orleans to party it up on Bourbon for Mardi Gras. I thought I would help you guys out with a checklist of what to do and what NOT to do.
Definitely drive like a maniac with all your immoral friends to NOLA. Do not obey the speed limit and don’t stop to freshen up before getting to the Big Easy. That would be too proper.
Once you get there, find the crappiest, cheapest hotel possible. Because let’s be honest, you’re not going to be sleeping. Well, you might be passed out in the bathtub covered in your own vomit, but you won’t know you’ve slept.
Don’t waste time finding a reasonable, yet historical hotel with lots of grandeur. That’s boring.
Anyway, start the trip off getting completely trashed! Guzzle down those hand grenades like they’re going out of style.
Don’t have a celebratory drink and spend the day shopping and finding rare masks and beads.
Once you’re dizzy enough that you can’t stand, make your way (with your friends carrying you) to the French Quarter for a bite to eat. Everyone knows the more you eat, the more you can drink.
Be sure to remind your friends, in your drunken slur, they are the best. Because friends like to be reminded about the many times they have had to give up having a good time to take care of you.
Don’t have a few drinks to be social and go out to a karaoke bar or take a tour of the French Quarter at night. What’s the fun in that?
Once your friends are just as drunk and sloppy as you, it’s time to dance in the streets. Well, you call it dancing; everyone else watching calls it YouTube glory.
By this time I’m amazed you’ve made it this far. Continue dancing until you vomit on a stranger, causing a rumble in the streets.
After that debacle, you stumble your way to the hotel at around 4 a.m. because you need a good night’s rest for the parade tomorrow. Did I say rest? I meant passing out in the street covered in dirt and whatever drinks you threw up earlier.
Don’t wake up and get dressed up by adorning yourself with colorful beads, oversized sunglasses and feathered boas. Just keep the mess of an outfit you have on and go to the parade.
It would be dumb to have a hearty New Orleans style breakfast. Instead, just down a couple Bloody Marys and wobble over to the parade route.
Repeat your drunken cycle from last night if you can manage to afford a second liver. Don’t be reasonable with your drinking, because hangovers are fun.
Hopefully, by now you’ve sensed the sarcasm here. Mardi Gras is a time to have fun and be a little wild.
Everyone laughs about not remembering things, thinking that it must have been a great time. But wouldn’t it be better to remember the awesome time you had than to see the aftermath of embarrassing photos on Facebook?
I think it’s much better to remember this great cultural experience and still have fun. Who says you can’t have your king cake and eat it, too?
Drink in moderation and be safe people; that way everyone will enjoy Mardi Gras.
